Not sure if you knew this, but in addition to being an extremely distinguished, discerning gift-giver, and the world’s leading top-hat expert, Seymour Butz really appreciates a bit of humor.
There’s only one problem, though…
His jokes are—well, they’re bad.
Last time he told us his funniest dad jokes, we just politely smiled and went on with our work.
And when he gets frustrated and curses, “Oh, pants! I’ve done it again!” we have to hide our smiles. (Who talks like that?)
We were just trying to humor him (ha), but we should have stopped him while we still had the chance.
With that said, here are Seymour Butz’s 25 favourite jokes from around the Web. We’re sorry.
1) I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
2) How do people celebrate birthdays in heaven? With angel food cake!
3) A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"
4) What did the pirate say on this 80th birthday? Aye-matey!
5) A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff, what noise do they make? Bah dum tsssssssss
6) Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep... I think I'm being stalked!
7) Is Huey Lewis even still around? Don't know, pretty sure he was in the news…
8) How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
9) The Lord told John to come forth and he will receive eternal life… He came fifth and got a toaster.
10) Have you heard of the new Apple product to protect your eyes? It’s called the iLid.
11) I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
12) How do you make a waterbed more bouncy? Just add some spring water!
13) How do priests stay fit? They exorcise.
14) I picked up this book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
15) The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
16) What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
17) Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really freaking good at it.
18) I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass!
19) I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought… “That’s the last thing I need!”
20) I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
21) I once had a friend who had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.
22) How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
23) How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to hold the penis. I mean, father! I mean… ladder!
24) I lost my mood ring. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
25) What does a zombie vegetarian eat? GRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNS!
Sources… This Reddit thread. And this Reddit thread. And this Reddit thread. And this Reddit thread!
(Best place to find jokes = reddit)
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Let’s get right into it. There are a lot of… unforeseen side effects of a global health crisis.
Like, when you’re the CFO of a medium-sized startup company, but then you have to work from home, and also teach 2nd grade. Or when the catering manager of a large grocery store chain suddenly becomes a first responder, because grocery stores are CRAZY TOWN right now.
There’s a lot going on right now, and much of it is pretty grim. As usual, Seymour Butz is here to provide a bit of levity in an otherwise serious time.
Hooray! Your friend(s) recently purchased a new home! And boooo — that means you have to pick out ANOTHER housewarming present. Do your top three ideas involve plants, candles, artisan bread, and/or a bottle of wine?
HOW ORIGINAL.
So we did you a favor and pulled together 7 hilarious housewarming gift ideas that NO ONE else will think of.
